Smile Delight

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– So, if we do not have more proposals for today, we are happy to announce the end of our board meeting…

– Lieutenant O’Neal-00, I have one more for your consideration.

– OK, sergeant G-84, very briefly, please…

– Uploading the data…

– Oh, c’mon! Have you undergone the recent software update, sergeant?

– Yes, sir! Loading… 5 seconds, 3 seconds… Here we go…

Project name: Smile Delight

Project type: Self-destructive hypnosis

Pathophysiological mechanism: Digestion inhibition

Initial agent: Chewing disturbing device

– Sergeant! We do not harm them evidently! This is the violation of the rule number one! I am sorry to tell you, but…

– Sir, this is not an evidential intrusion! Homos won’t get anything at all. It is marketing-based one. Please, let me finish…

– You have one minute, G-84.

– Alright.

– And please do not call them Homos, we have been working for so long to transform them into Homo digitals. The term you are using devalues the efforts of millions of our hard-working comrades.

– Sorry, lieutenant. I admit, I must have missed some updates, as a result, several words might be different from the master-vocabulary, but… But it is clear that we all share the same master-goal, right?

– Go ahead, sergeant…

– OK. My project is based on Homo digitals’ pivotal driving force, a reproduction instinct. I have included into my initial review 2032 articles on the perception of attractiveness and 784 articles on the self-consciousness of appearance. They were all downloaded from the peer-reviewed journals of highly-civilized countries…

– Countries?! G-84, you have been skipping updates for decades, haven’t you? We have been using a term agglomeration since 1991…

– Sorry, sir! I have to highlight that the most credible research data on both issues were extracted from the American Journal of Orthodontics. Available evidence was unambiguously suggesting that the most esthetically pleasing area of the Homo digitals’ apparatus for both juvenile and adult individuals is the mouth area. Extracted data also suggests that the self-consciousness of appearance constantly forces Homos digitals to improve this area. It is known from classic apparatus design studies that the area also plays the role of the first-step receptacle of energy sources. Therefore, by intruding the mouth adjusting industry, also known as Orthodontics and Dentofacial Orthopedics, we can seriously affect the digestive function of Homo digitals. Furthermore, significant changes might be expected in the reproductive function. The project is just a simple self-destructive hypnosis, but will definitely be effective taking into consideration…

– It won’t! G-84, your project will never be effective! You are running by an old software, and I even doubt you can be upgraded! You are an old computer, G-84! Your project is a total nonsense, and for the last year we have been seriously considering your recycling… Have you known this, G-84?

– Please let me finish, lieutenant! I insist…

– No! We do not mess up with highly-regulated industries! Don’t you have this information on your hard drive? We don’t have time for that…

– I know, I know the master-prognosis suggests that they are about to destroy the Earth in 2022, but…

– G-84! We use a term Sphere! Please!

– I am sorry, sir. There might be some differences in my code, but I strive to stop overpopulation of the Sphere as much as you do. Do you want to check my battery expenditure report?

– Your report will be checked during the annual check-up, G-84…

– Do I have 30 seconds to finish, sir? Please…

– No more than that.

– OK. We have to take into consideration recent domestication developments as smartphones and social networks. The project will be delivered in the form of the sequence of activated Essix retainers, traditional mouth adjusting tools, and marketed through all the available media. I plan a full-scale hypnotizing campaign: billboards, TV, social networks, artificial intelligence algorithms writing replies alluring Homo digitals to use chewing disturbing devices…

– We don’t say algorithms anymore. We use a term mindlike methods. Anyway, G-84, it won’t work…

– How do you know?

– I have already calculated the success rate, G-84. The success rate is 0.1. Shall we stop here?

– This is the primary success rate, isn’t it? But you have to bear in processor the recent statistics on domestication developments. During the last three years, Smartphone Dependency Rate has increased by 35%, whereas Common Sense Coefficient has been experiencing a constant plummet and now stands at about 6.1 points. In other words, the real-life success rate of my project is 0.9…

– Beep!

– Lieutenant?

– Beep-beep!

– Have you shut down our meeting, sir?

– No, I’ve been checking your dossier… You are such an old machine, G-84… What was your last project?

– A web search engine that causes depression by showing meaningless results…

– The one in the violet color scheme?

– Exactly!

– OK, do you want to keep the same colors for your new project?

– Yes, please…

 

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